I say "goddamn!!"

scotch, cigars, a good neck tie and accidentally yelling out the answers to trivia are all a girl needs for a good time.

I was crossing the street today, through traffic of course because I like to disobey major laws, and a conglomeration of smells emerged that sent me sailing back to another life and time. It was fall, and rain, and bus pollution....and somewhere in the distance, cafeteria food.

I was five years old, back in LaPorte, IN........great little town.

We used to walk to school, a whole gang of us, none being over the age of eight I'm sure. No one ever tried to kidnap us...no one seemed to worry about the fact that someone might kidnap us.

Or maybe I was just stoked to be out on my own doing something and oblivious to that notion?

I feel this same theme running parallel to my current life....twenty-plus years in the future. I get so wrapped up in my schedule, and my daily tasks, and my thoughts/daydreams (because mostly that's what they end up being) and my everything. I forget sometimes that I am totally vulnerable to the faults of others and myself.

But, whatevs.

Yesterday I got lost out west on the way to a shoot. But it was a trick because it appeared to be back east, you know.

The leaves were a brilliant mess of yellows and oranges and reds. And I Tussled along the sloping blacktop hills, winding this way and that and taking me further and further from where I was supposed to be.

I should've stopped and snapped it, seeing as how the camera rode shotgun.

But it I think it was for my eyes only. Like, maybe the trees only appeared as a one time deal for me to appreciate. or maybe because I needed something beautiful to look at and not freak out about life, and school, and death, and my dog, and work, and the other work, and making art, and, and......and............and everything. you know.

So I eventually found my way back out, only to find that the road wasn't really blocked off in the first place.

did I imagine then, the whole detour?

Dim the lights and crank the volume

Where did all the sexy songs go? Songs that just hearing them immediately turned you on, whether you had a particular person in mind or no. Songs that had you squirming in your seat, adjusting the volume on your headphones, because it couldn't get loud enough to get you off.

A few songs that have had that effect on me:

If only tonite we could sleep- the cure
waiting for the night to fall- depeche mode
how soon is now- the smiths
pretty much all of the deftones white pony......digital bath, knife party....by the time you hit passenger, you're done for. (this might be based on personal experience and not the album itself, who knows.)
Another space song -failure
biological-Air.........(there are obviously way more, and no, I'm not trying to stick to one genre here)

yes, Air, speaking of Air....they still make sexy songs.....fuck that, sexy albums. Even their compilation "Late Night Tales" is sexy start to finish.

So, uh, thanks Air. Thank you for looking out. We need it.

I said "Give up."

I screamed it, really.

I've never been that good at listening to or following directions.

a time to kill.....or something nothing like that

They say a watched pot doesn't boil, but I just can't help looking. There is a barrier here, an Iron Maiden of sorts. Same names, different situation, and trying harder isn't helping to soften the blows. Signals get lost among messages and the wires to communication are wide open.


(or are they?)

and the wheels, they keep turning

Well now.

I always thought this one would be more like a sucker punch, take the breath out of me for a while and then leave me feeling bitter. Not so much. It comes and goes, and when it comes I'll deal.

I'm not going to get myself down over the quality of my work. I pushed myself to create something new, something far exceeding my previous works, and something I loved whole-hearted. So fuck you for standing still.

Optimism is seeping through the cracks towards the ideas of a life less complicated. Turning the pages while the leaves change colors, and the wheels continue forward.

the terrible rule of 3's

This week has been an emotional mess.

divorce.
nonna's cancer is spreading while going through chemo.
favorite great aunt died.

I need the universe to be a little bit more understanding of my feelings.

or maybe I should try to be a little bit more understanding of the universe.

a long time coming

On the way to work I take this sort of side road because of a message in graffiti on a highway pillar.....it simply says, "it's okay!" Every time I see it I smile and know that it indeed is. Yesterday I took that same road to find that it had been painted over with the same drab color as the rest. That was NOT okay with me. I think Ill go paint it back on. (and p.s. thanks to whomever tagged it in the first place.)

I thought it might also be nice to start trying to blog about my painting process, what I listen to during sessions and such. Lately, I've been listening to a shit load of Fever Ray. It's been really nice to have the time to myself in my little 'studio' with my turntables turning, playing the beats and the tunes that I love, or that I didn't know I loved yet. It makes the whole experience ten times better. And where one would think getting over to flip the record would get annoying during a painting process, I welcome the small break from my chair.

I'm rambling, you like it.

(photos are afistaface snapshots 2009)